Californians Hoping Hurricane Will Wash All Poop Off Sidewalks

[Richard Cranium]

Aug 19, 2023

CALIFORNIA — Citizens of California are holding out hope that flooding from Hurricane Hilary will wash off the massive amounts of poop clinging to the state's sidewalks.
"Fingers crossed," said Sacramento resident Kevin Ross. "Bring on the floods, baby!"

While concerned about safety, many locals believe a good, strong hurricane could be the best thing that ever happened to California. "We need a reset button," said sanitation worker Stephen Childers. "All day we scrub poop off the sidewalk, but you can't scrub fast enough. I don't want anyone to get hurt by the storm, I'm not cheering for an Old Testament-level flood - but maybe half of that would be good."

With reports coming in that the hurricane has begun to weaken, many Californians have begun work constructing dams to funnel the rainwater towards San Francisco. "The Lord is giving us a chance, now it's up to us to take it," said Bay Area woman Jessica Long. "Can you imagine being able to walk down the street and smell - well - nothing? Time to keep digging."

At publishing time, cities across California were asking residents to dump all available soap onto the streets in preparation.

 

[5.7 hemi]

This satire is hilarious!

 

[Richard Cranium]

This satire is hilarious!

Californians Prepare For Hurricane By Nailing Plywood Boards Onto Their Tent Flaps


Aug 18, 2023

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — As Hurricane Hilary looms off the shores of the Golden State, Californians are rushing to prepare by nailing plywood boards onto their tent flaps and filling sandbags to protect their cardboard boxes.

Residents have been flocking to their local hardware stores and drug dealers to stock up on essentials, praying the category-four storm decreases in power before reaching their possibly ill-suited tarp-and-shopping-cart shanties.

"We have definitely seen an increase in customers looting plywood rather than the usual power tools," heaved one Home Depot manager while scampering around trying, unsuccessfully, to stop one of the thousands of looters. "Business sure is — huff — booming!"

San Francisco risks a unique threat due to its hilly nature. Thus, authorities have urged residents to use sandbags as a guard against potential floods of poop.

At publishing time, California Governor Gavin Newsom had passed a law requiring all outdoor retailers to stock hurricane-proof tents for looters.

 

[Budnicks]

Hopefull the homeless (dregs of society, bums, freeloaders, druggies/drunks/crazy's) along with it...
make them all go back east or south to where they came from

 

[Cranky]

 

[ckessel]

I wonder how many suicides will be found, hanging from trees with their hands bound and a shotgun blast to the chest. You just never know how devious a hurricane can be when its trying to hide something.

 

[Fran Blacker]

Will watch to see if Lake Mead adds a few feet ofwater? It's 1063.48 now.

 

[Southbranch]

The real Hillary

 

[Richard Cranium]

Will watch to see if Lake Mead adds a few feet ofwater? It's 1063.48 now.

Is that how much it’s low?

 

[POMONAMISSEL]

not near high enough on the state to wash us clean of the crap , but the creeks n water way folks will be getting a bath . when i was a child we called them bums , not homeless . the state imports them daily .

 

[Fran Blacker]

Is that how much it’s low?

Now 1063.48 MSL Full 1229.00 MSL From May until now it has risen 20 ft. MSL means Mean Sea Level.

 

[Budnicks]

I wonder how many suicides will be found, hanging from trees with their hands bound and a shotgun blast to the chest. or the back of the head. strange drownings in inches of water or thier own tubs. white-water (?) You just never know how devious a hurricane can be when its trying to hide something.

great 'Hilary' reference I added a lil' bit

 

[alsant]

Hopefully wash’s more than the **** on the streets

 

[hemi*guy]

Hopefull the homeless (dregs of society, bums, freeloaders, druggies/drunks/crazy's) along with it...
make them all go back east or south to where they came from

Unfortunately Newsome asked for them , feel sorry for you guys but be careful what you ask for....you just might get it.