My elderly mom totaled her car, time to give up her license!

[BLK 68 R/T]

I'd kill to have the opportunity to be "burdened" by either of my parents' still being alive....
count your blessings.

Powerful statement. Luckily my parents are still alive, although my dad’s almost 80 and doesn’t have that good of a memory anymore. I wish my grandparents were still alive. There is so many questions I would love to ask them, but they have been gone for a long time now. It’s funny, when you’re young everyone lives forever and you think they will always be around to answer questions. Now that I’ve gotten older and experienced “life” there is a whole lot of stuff I would like to know about from their perspective back in the day. Both sets of my grandparents grew up during the depression and both of my grandfathers fought in WWII, one in the Pacific and the other in Europe. It wasn’t talked about and no one asked questions. But there is still other stuff I would like to know about their lives that I would ask now that I didn’t know or think to ask when I had the chance.

Sorry for the thread derail lol.

 

[guy gadbois]

I'd kill to have the opportunity to be "burdened" by either of my parents' still being alive....
count your blessings.

Far be it from me to dispute anything you say Mr Moparedtn, and I 'get' what you're saying, but ,may I suggest that when that parent has no quality of life, it might be better were they not 'here'.

 

[j-c-c-62]

I've watched a more extreme version of this in the trucking business. Unlike commercial pilots who are grounded at 65, CDL holders can continue as long as they can pass medical certification. I hung it up on my 69th birthday, felt it was time. I've seen many continue, who shouldn't have.

That was a precursor to the final step. My wife and I have a deposit on a continuing care facility that provides transportation for medical appointments and grocery shopping as part of the package. A car in that setting is a vanity, that many choose to maintain, but don't need to. My dad spent his final years in a facility with the same services, but he refused to use them until he ended up in assisted living. He was somewhat fortunate, in that he was still a reasonable driver at 89, never had an accident, then had a quick step down into dementia that ended the process.

I'm coming up on 73, been driving trucks since I was 12 (I started at my dad's private lot moving trucks around). I think next year I turn in the CDL/Medical Card. Only one accident in OTR, was rear ended.

My mom was in assisted care at 92, still driving, no accidents other than a parking lot scrape, but the time was quickly approaching. Had my sister follow her around town. When she got back, told her I needed to borrow her car, and for insurance it would need to be transferred to my name, she kept her dignity and her DL. I tell her it keeps breaking down and is in the shop. The final straw, she needed to update her address in order to vote recently, which meant she had to renew her DL with the new address, and I told her to save the $75 and just get a new ID since her car was not available or reliable anymore, and she did. She will be 96 in January. And she has a boyfriend, he is 86, she likes younger men.

Winston Churchill said, Wisdom usually arrives just after one needs it.

 

[moparedtn]

Far be it from me to dispute anything you say Mr Moparedtn, and I 'get' what you're saying, but ,may I suggest that when that parent has no quality of life, it might be better were they not 'here'.

Both mine had plenty of issues before they passed so don't assume, my friend...
They had no qualms about fighting until the end, however - nor did I in carrying out any wishes they expressed.

 

[guy gadbois]

Not assuming a thing Sir, just noting that no quality of life / lack of self awareness is not always better to 'stick around' in. In my own humble opinion of course. YMMV. Apologies if I offend.

 

[moparedtn]

Not assuming a thing Sir, just noting that no quality of life / lack of self awareness is not always better to 'stick around' in. In my own humble opinion of course. YMMV. Apologies if I offend.

I didn't see any mention of a lack of self-awareness in the OP's post.
It is the absolute right of every one of us to have self-determination in the end, at least until such time as
we're no longer in posession of the ability to make that decision.

Further, it's the obligation of the child to carry out seeing our parents off in the end, the same way they saw
us in to this life.
Again, I'd kill to be still able to do so for either/both of my parents now; I'd no doubt do a better job if given
the chance.

 

[XS22J8R]

You are very blessed to still have your mom at age 91. I’m not sure you used the right word as to being burdened. I lost my mom at age 50 to breast cancer, boy would I love to be burdened by her right now

As so often happens on threads on the internet, sometimes I’m left questioning is it a lack of reading comprehension skills or speaking a different language or what in the Sam Hill is going on, why do people misinterpret things others write so often? It’s like the late Curly Howard once famously said-

Somehow my mentioning my moms 106 year old neighbor in her assisted living place having a 70 something son who spends every day, 365 days a year, year after year, cooped up in his moms apartment 10, 12 hours a day, or more, that being something I consider a burden, somehow that means I consider my mom a burden?
No it doesn’t, I am glad she’s still around and wish my dad was too, but having no life in your golden years other than watching over your mom full time like that 70 year old son does is a burden. It just is. I feel bad for that guy. And someone saying hypothetically that they’d gladly do like he does to have your late parent back is conjecture. You almost certainly would feel it a burden if you did that all day 365 days a year, as most everyone wants to have some freedom and time to pursue passions in their life. To have at least some life of their own. To say otherwise is no different than sticking a hate has no home here sign in your front yard. Get over yourself, you ain’t fooling anyone with your self delusions of virtue!
OK, Rant off…
I talked to my mom today. She’s not feeling well, hasn’t got motivated to do much including taking a shower for a few days. That’s worrisome. The stress from the accident along with still run down from having Covid a month ago has knocked her for a loop. I’m heading over there to see her tomorrow but not sure what to do to help her get her spirits up.
Last month the guy in the apartment above her left his water running and the sink overflowed, and water poured through the floor and through her living room and and kitchen ceilings, so her apartment is in disarray too, the facility is going to fix the plaster and deep clean the carpet and such, but in the meantime her place is a little bit messed up. Still a lot nicer than my cluttered up hovel I can never figure out how to organize though lol!
And if that’s not enough, she got a letter from the IRS a few weeks back claiming she didn’t file taxes in ‘22. She’s freaking out about that too. The accountant she’d been using was getting flaky so for the last few years my brother in law has been helping her do her taxes with turbo tax, but she seems hung up about finding a canceled check to the IRS to prove she’d filed, while I’m trying to explain to her a canceled check doesn’t prove anything, she needs to track down the flaky accountant, but most likely find a another accountant to help straighten things out as likely something got crossed up with his submitting her return that year, and she shouldn’t worry it can get straightened out. But she’s still panicking about that, hung up about the canceled check or a page from her 22 return she seems to think will prove it got submitted.
So it’s been a tough last month for her, probably would be for most anyone, even those much younger than 90 years old! Bad things happen in 3s but she’s already at 4.

 

[j-c-c-62]

Question: "Is everybody dumb?"
My answer: "Most believe they are above average, and EVERYBODY else is dumb", and there is an answer there somewhere.

 

[Hey-O]

At 90, my mother in law pulls into a parking spot at church. The car next to her, opens his car door just as she is next to him. It folded his door back in a new position God never intended. He's as old as her and climbs out accusing her of not knowing what she's doing. I took care of him and his family and all he got was a piece of rope to tie his door shut and sent on his way. My wife talked to her mom and I ended up donating her car to the trade school for the kids to practice on. I've dealt with assisted living facilities a few times, the patient must be able to wash themselves and dress themselves to remain in assisted living. They come in and dispense medication and do check ups a few times a day. That's how it worked for us anyway.

"Water running and the sink overflowed, and water poured through the floor and through her living room and and kitchen ceilings, so her apartment is in disarray too, the facility is going to fix the plaster and deep clean the carpet and such". Keep that in mind and remind them that this isn't helping HER situation, should you need it for leverage. My mother in law got a phone call several times a day from my wife and anything she needed I took care of. Don't run so hard, let it come to you and adjust as needed.

Don't feel bad for how you feel, love isn't measured by those that have never been in your situation. I was spending 15,000 a month for my parents, anyone like to try it, talks cheap. You're a good son, just love and be there.......... Ulli

 

[SlingLow]

There’s a lady down the hall who is 106 I believe. Her son who must be in his 70s comes over everyday and is there dawn to dusk.
I’m sorry but no way I could take on a burden like that!

My guess is that the visits are as much for him as for her. If it's what you want to do, it's not a burden.

Recent news in our family makes me think my mother-in-law will be living with us shortly. She's 89 and still living on her own (with a roommate). My wife and I are mentally prepared and have a place for her. Remember, in this life, nothing is forever.

Best of luck to you navigating the rough water ahead, @XS22J8R , the right answers seem to find their way to the top. Peace!

 

[HawkRod]

My dad has Alzheimer's. It's a terrible disease, as I have had to watch one of the most intelligent and capable guys ever degrade into not knowing for sure how to use a fork to eat. It truly hurts to watch.

Anyway, after his early diagnosis I made sure to ride with him in the car. His skills were still OK, but how do you know if he will suddenly temporarily forget what a red light means? And if/when that happens, will he hurt himself or others? So we talked about it and he stopped driving but was not happy about it.

These are VERY difficult and tough conversations. My heart goes out to anyone dealing with these issues.

 

[Xp29h]

Watching someones independence fade is a tough dilemma many of us face if blessed with a parent who lives to a ripe old age.
My mom’s going to be 91 in a month. My dad passed around 10 years ago after a short battle with cancer. Fortunately my mom’s mind is still pretty sharp but she’s been getting noticeably more frail the last couple years.
She lives in a real nice assisted living community she loves, in an apartment in independent living. She has a parking spot in an underground garage and still was driving, though very limited for doctor and a few errands.
I’ve been worried about her driving as she was never a great driver and her already marginal skills were fading. She had a couple minor fender benders the last year or two.
Wednesday afternoon she went to the doctor appointment that ran late and by the time she was returning home, it was dark. She said it was so dark she “couldn’t see” even though the crowded urban area she lives has street lights every 10 feet it seems.
She didn’t see the turn lane for the street that goes to her building and turned on the next street, and was trying to figure out where to go in the dark when “bam” and she finds herself in her car lying on its side. She said she was only going 5 mph but hit a tree. The fire department had to cut the roof to free her. She said the engine was running and they had to tell her to shut it off. I wonder how an engine can run with a car lying on its side?
The first responders said she “climbed the tree” when she hit it, but I’m still trying to understand the physics of tipping a car at 5 mph!
They took her to the ER and she’s ok but sore, still pretty shook up.
She says she isn’t going to get another car and is going to give up her license so at least that saves me the stress of having to demand she do that! I wonder though if I should have pushed the issue sooner.
It puts me in dilemma though. She obviously needs more help. I never had a family of my own so have no experience as a caretaker. In fact my experiences are in trying to take care of myself through various crisis with very little support including getting critically injured in an accident 30 years ago and a medical emergency with multiple hospitalizations a couple years back. I have one sister who used to live nearby but her and my brother in law had the bright idea to move away to Michigan a few years ago, leaving me the only family close by.
I know it’s a common experience for people but for many creates a lot of stress and burden!
Thankfully my mom didn’t hurt anyone but I still question if I should have pushed her harder to give up the keys after her last fender bender a few months ago.

Definitely a tough time. I just went through it my my 82 year old mom. Fortunately in my case she is too weak and frail to get out of the house so getting rid of the vehicle was easy!

Fortunately, she is ok and willing to do the hard part by herself. Don’t second guess yourself. Now that you’re reflecting on things I’m sure you had that thought before. It’s a tough call, taking a piece of their independence away. Heck, if she were driving during the day, may not have happened at all. Maybe a blessing!