The not a meme meme thread

[Budnicks]

 

[Budnicks]

 

[QuickBpBp]

 

[QuickBpBp]

 

[Brandy]

A redneck oil change
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337


John and Bill went on their annual camping and hunting trip.
John spent the first night drinking beer and talking about how many deer he hoped to shoot.
The next morning they got up early, John wasn't feeling good, so Bill went off hunting without him.
John was so hung over that when he went to take a dump, he fell asleep sitting there on the log.
Bill got a deer early and camme back to find John sleeping. As a joke he gutted the deer, put the insides under John, and left without waking him.
An hour later John wondered back into camp, his face white as a sheet.
"What's wrong?" asked Bill.
"I drank so much last night I **** my guts out," said John, "But by the grace of God and a greasy stick, I got them all back in!"
__________________

 

[Brandy]

I know it's a week past Halloween, but this joke was too good to save until next year:

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible

headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.



He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going

to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time

being spoiled by not going.



So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly

for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she

decided to go the party.



Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would

have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not

with him.



She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the

dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little

feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up

to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high

and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let

him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.



Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off

they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at

midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into

bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for

his behavior.



She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a

time he had.



He said: - Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when

you're not there.



- Did you dance much?



- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met

Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played

poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy

I loaned my costume to......."

 

[Brandy]

An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the
urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on
how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements
and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like
it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his
glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked, "Is that one word or two?"



Last week was my birthday and I didn`t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that`s marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn`t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o`clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It`s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that`s the greatest thing I`ve heard all day. Let`s go!" We went to lunch. But we didn`t go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It`s such a beautiful day... We don`t need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let`s drop by my apartment, it`s just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don`t mind, I`m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I`ll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".

And I just sat there... On the couch... Sobbing... Naked... and erect.

 

[64BEL]

View attachment 1184784

@dadsbee actually lives this out.

 

[QuickBpBp]

 

[QuickBpBp]

 

[Fran Blacker]

View attachment 1186064

That baby is 3 month over due! Don't stick a knife you'll killed in the explosion!

 

[QuickBpBp]

 

[JDmac72chrgr]

 

[Kern Dog]

This poor guy....

Surely hasn't seen his equipment in years. As big as he is, I doubt he will live to 55 years old.
Get some help, man!

 

[Kern Dog]

 

[Kern Dog]

 

[Kern Dog]

 

[Scott Engelhardt]

The truth

 

[bm02tj]

 

[bm02tj]