Caring for an elderly parent

[ruffcut]

Thanks to everyone for sharing! ruffcut

 

[68BabyBlue]

Agreed. If in Central Florida, call Tony at Platinum Investments. Office near Lakeland-Linder Airport. The best. NOT an attorney, but got the job done.

In Pennsylvania, it used to be common for elder law attorneys to also be financial planners. This was a good combination, because of the importance of the right insurance coverage for long term care. A few rotten apples, who ripped off clients, resulted in a ruling that now an individual can be one or the other, but not both. My attorney now works with a financial planner to secure the financial products she obtained herself earlier.

 

[#41]

Been through this in the last couple years. Go to a lawyer that specializes in elder issues for advice. It's worth the money 1000-fold. They understand how to position your family to preserve your folks assets to the extent possible, and how to navigate the system(s) so that the feds will take over care costs once certain criteria are met. It's quite complicated.... and most people should not try and navigate it on their own if they want the best result. You don't need to empty the extended family's pocketbooks to make sure the proper care is given and affordable.

In my case, my Dad needs 24/7 care in a facility at $7k/mo. Mom is still capable of living alone (for now). My folks had to pay for the care facility themselves until they depleted their cash to a certain amount. Mom kept her home, one car, and about $40k and then the feds took over payment of his care in the same facility that he was already in. This was all facilitated by the elder care lawyer... which I think was not only a good result, but took a huge burden off my mom and family trying to navigate these decisions.

When (if) comes mom's turn for care, she still has the house as an asset to start her off and we'll go through the same process with the same lawyer.

Good luck.

 

[themechanic]

I appreciate all the replies. Lots of good information and advice. My heart goes out to all of you dealing with this and to those who lost their parent(s) you have my sympathy.

Dad was 13 years older than Mom. He had arterial sclerosis and died at 70 in a hospital. The last thing Dad said to me was, "Take care of your Mom".

Mom gad a stroke only affecting her short term memory about 5 years ago. She moved into Uncle Bill's house after he passed when my youngest sister Cindy passed, whom she was living with. Mom was still able to drive to church a mile away and other nearby places. But her right knee cartilage basically dissolved and she had to start using a cane and get steroid injections every 90 days. So, we bought Medical Guardian Mini and their monitoring services. The mini is a small device that can be worn on the wrist or on a lanyard around the neck. It's connected via satellite GPS, wireless telephone network or Bluetooth. Push a button, regardless where you are, and an operator talks to you through the same device. When they figure out your needs they call the people on the list and dispatch an ambulance, if needed. This worked out until her last two falls when she started breaking bones.

I recommend some sort of device, depending on mobility, if the person is fairly independent.

Mom and I sat down with the sales rep from the mortuary we've used for years and made our funeral and burial arrangements. Mom doesn't own anything but I have some assets and have a will. We both have burial plots.

I'm single and my older brother and two sisters and lots of others visit Mom daily. The nursing home staff is good in the daytime but the 2nd and 3rd shifts need family supervision. Mom had a few weeks of skilled nursing, including physical and occupational therapy to get her able to get herself in and out of bed and walking with a walker. The plan is to live with my sister Linda and brother in law. But, Mom's not eating much and lost 21 pounds in 3.5 weeks. So, this could go either way as of today.

Thanks for all the prayers. Mom is a King James Baptist Christian for most of her life. So, she's ready and willing to see Jesus when her time has come. And that's a huge comfort.

 

[68BabyBlue]

The OP has done all of us a favor by posting this highly personal, and difficult topic. During my brief tour in private law practice, I was shocked to see how people refused to deal with the prospect of future decline, and eventual demise. I used to offer free, basic wills as a loss leader, useful to young couples who had no assets, but need a written guardianship provision to protect their kids. I never had a client complete the process.

 

[Cranky]

Looks like I need to so something as none of my immediate family (off spring) is gonna lift a finger to help me with anything, but....kinda figure I'll kick over with a heart attack but ya never know. My dad had a heart attack and lasted for a week shortly after turning 77. My mom went at 38 due to a cerebral hemorrhage. FIL went shortly after dad did then MIL got tripped up by her dog, fell and broke her hip. She was in her mid 70's and didn't even try to get healed up and walk again. She was a 4 pack a day burner (cigs were usually burning in more than one room) and we weren't about to keep on supporting that addition. My X had 3 other siblings and well, we were better off without their help....hindrance is more like it so we drew up legal docs for them to sign off. Sold her house and that took care of the bills for the short time she lasted after being admitted.

If you have family that all pull together instead of their each and separate ways, then that's a Godsend imo but if not, legal paperwork is probably the way to go. We/I agreed to take care of everything or nothing if everyone was going pull in separate directions and low and behold, the 2 brothers and 1 sister were just fine with that as none of them wanted anything to do with cleaning out the house (mother in law was a hoarder) and making it ready to sell. I filled up the bed of my Dakota with magazines 3 times (or was it 4) and took them to the recycle bin. The stuff she had in the house was enough to furnish 2 other houses...

 

[Cranky]

The OP has done all us a favor by posting this highly personal, and difficult topic. During my brief tour in private law practice, I was shocked to see how people refused to deal with the prospect of future decline, and eventual demise. I used to offer free, basic wills as a loss leader, useful to young couples who had no assets, but need a written guardianship provision to protect their kids. I never had a client complete the process.

I need to change my will, that's for sure and do it soon!

 

[68BabyBlue]

Looks like I need to so something as none of my immediate family (off spring) is gonna lift a finger to help me with anything, but....kinda figure I'll kick over with a heart attack but ya never know. My dad had a heart attack and lasted for a week shortly after turning 77. My mom went at 38 due to a cerebral hemorrhage. FIL went shortly after dad did then MIL got tripped up by her dog, fell and broke her hip. She was in her mid 70's and didn't even try to get healed up and walk again. She was a 4 pack a day burner (cigs were usually burning in more than one room) and we weren't about to keep on supporting that addition. My X had 3 other siblings and well, we were better off without their help....hindrance is more like it so we drew up legal docs for them to sign off. Sold her house and that took care of the bills for the short time she lasted after being admitted.

If you have family that all pull together instead of their each and separate ways, then that's a Godsend imo but if not, legal paperwork is probably the way to go. We/I agreed to take care of everything or nothing if everyone was going pull in separate directions and low and behold, the 2 brothers and 1 sister were just fine with that as none of them wanted anything to do with cleaning out the house (mother in law was a hoarder) and making it ready to sell. I filled up the bed of my Dakota with magazines 3 times (or was it 4) and took them to the recycle bin. The stuff she had in the house was enough to furnish 2 other houses...

A close friend of mine passed from colon cancer ten years ago. He left me with a quote that I've cited many times at lawyer gatherings: "Terminal cancer makes financial planning simple." A variation from another attorney: "Dead people don't have financial problems; you need to be concerned about longevity risk." My dad was in perfect health and active until he turned 89, and dementia set in. This is the situation that is most difficult from both a care and financial standpoint. Now is the time to plan for it. If we live, we will be elderly ourselves in a really short time.

 

[Slap Stick]

And the good thing about hiring an attorney is it prevents siblings from stirring the pot. The attorney represents the parents, not the children. My brother, who only needed family when he needed something raised a big stink when we had the big sit down. The attorney looked at him and said he didn't work for my brother or me, he worked for my parents. Dad, who was still sharp at 92 told off my brother on the spot. Setting up the trust, paying down assets, and the durable power of attorney and all the rest was well worth the $3k fee. And it helped keep my brother quiet if he started questioning things. I just told him to contact the attorney.

 

[themechanic]

A close friend of mine passed from colon cancer ten years ago. He left me with a quote that I've cited many times at lawyer gatherings: "Terminal cancer makes financial planning simple." A variation from another attorney: "Dead people don't have financial problems; you need to be concerned about longevity risk." My dad was in perfect health and active until he turned 89, and dementia set in. This is the situation that is most difficult from both a care and financial standpoint. Now is the time to plan for it. If we live, we will be elderly ourselves in a really short time.

Sounds like what Mom said, "We all get old if we live long enough." She must be related to Yogi Berra.

 

[themechanic]

Here's irony for you. Mom's old roommate Norma transferred to long term care. The new one is Phyllis an 86 year old retired RN and nursing home administrator. She's staying the week in respite care until her primary care giver deals with a medical emergency.

 

[themechanic]

Mom needs to eat but she's not hungry. I'm told it's normal at her age 83. She hates the sweet high calorie protein drinks like Ensure and similar protein drinks. Can anyone recommend anything else?

 

[matthon]

Set up a trust, there is also a specific type to preserve assets during elder care, sooner the better as they have to be in effect for x amount of years prior.

1 trustee is best, more than 1 trustee is ok as long as the parties trust each other and can act alone.

Set up POA.
POA terminates once the person is deceased, so get a trust.

Transfer assets to trust, $, house, cars, everything.

A will is garbage, but have one and keep it extremely simple, assets distributed evenly among my children after all debts, etc.
Have an executor listed as well as a backup.
Any asset you didn't know about, and it happens, you need to have a will/executor.

Trust avoids probate, completely, assets can be distributed next day with no fees, lawyers, court, court costs, disputes, etc.

You want to avoid probate, any asset not transferred to the trust must go through probate, time consuming and costly.

Take care of other items, DNR if wanted, etc.

Prepay funeral and all arrangements.
If set up correctly, funds go into an account and earn interest, and you don't owe more once needed.
It's better to not have to deal with this at the same time as a loss, and potentially receive a refund, than to add it to your plate, and potentially have to come up with the funds yourself because you didn't set up a trust and you have to find a lawyer for probate, wait 9 months, pay a bunch of fees, and argue over who's doing what (wrong) and who's paying for it all, now!

And set up a trust.

 

[Darter6]

"We all get old if we live long enough."

Amen.

 

[themechanic]

Going to see Mom in the nursing home almost every day and seeing dozens of old folks on walkers and in wheelchairs and in bed all day motivated me to take better care of myself.

 

[toolmanmike]

Enjoy all the time you can. You never know when that time will be over.
Mom prearranged her funeral which really helped us out when the time came. Everything but the flowers and the urn for her remains were already chosen. Get those favorite songs written down ahead of time.

 

[1967coronet]

Mom needs to eat but she's not hungry. I'm told it's normal at her age 83. She hates the sweet high calorie protein drinks like Ensure and similar protein drinks. Can anyone recommend anything else?

Same with my dad back when he was fighting the last few rounds.
The Ensure ect. Is nasty, we started getting him Carnation instant breakfast drinks, Chocolat or vanilla they taste better and he would drink them.

 

[1967coronet]

Thanks for starting this thread. One thing I will add is if your parents are both still in their home and one of them ends up needing care.
Pay very close attention to the other one. When my step-dad went through Parkinson our mom thought she could just care for him herself.
She was 79 at that time and it about killed her.
We all pitched in and helped but she was the one to carry the load.
Keep a eye on the care giver.

 

[toolmanmike]

Check in with the local Hospice organization. They don't charge for their services if your loved one qualifies. They help even if your loved one is not near death. Our Hospice nurse checked on Mom 3 or 4 times a week, sat with her and talked, washed her face and put on some make up, did her nails, and the like and always did a health assessment with blood pressure, heart rate and blood/ox levels. They provided that extra level that the home couldn't provide. (especially now because of short staffing)

 

[68BabyBlue]

Same with my dad back when he was fighting the last few rounds.
The Ensure ect. Is nasty, we started getting him Carnation instant breakfast drinks, Chocolat or vanilla they taste better and he would drink them.

Ironic, in my youth I drank Carnation instant breakfast mixed with protein and raw eggs to gain weight.