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Your one liners here......

He was shaking like a dog shitting razor blades
 
I worked in an oil camp in northern Alberta a few decades ago. If you were looking for, say a wrench, screwdriver, or some part, you would exclaim “that’s the cock for Molly!” when you found it. I don’t know the history of the expression, and I’ve never encountered it anywhere else before or since, but it was in general use in this one camp.
 
It's raining louder than a cow pissin' on a flat rock out there
 
it's a windy mofo today
 
My dad to me:
Practice doesn’t make perfect, “perfect practice makes perfect”
 
My mother in law. For years I wouldn’t kiss her face. I wound up kissing her ***. Rodney Dangerfield.
Used to say that to my ex mother in law all the time.
 
It was so hot today I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.
 
When I was young and wanted to buy something my Dad thought to be a waste of money, he would say, "Buy two!...one to sh!t on and another to cover it up with!".
 
I **** through a screen door and never touched a wire.
Raining harder than a 2 peckered Billy goat pissing on a flat rock.
Shaking like a queer holding a hotdog.
Happier than a glitter farting unicorn.
She said give me nine inches so I gave it to her 3 times.
I know what position you were made in, reverse donkey.
 
Tim Vine – “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”

Joan Rivers – “All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

Woody Allen – “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.”

Ken Dodd – “I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.”

Bob Monkhouse – “I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”

Jo Brand – "The way to a man's heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife."

Milton Jones – “I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”

Ross Noble – “How come Miss Universe is only ever won by people from Earth?”

Jimmy Carr – “A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘Alright, but we won’t get much done.”

Sarah Millican – "I saw a pair of knickers today – on the front it said, 'I would do anything for love' and on the back it said 'but I won't do that.'"

Tommy Cooper – "Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

Jack Whitehall – “I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
 
Tim Vine...another of my favourites..some might not work state side.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one"

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: "That's not a building, thats a cloud!" He said: "Down a bit�"

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Draculas house� I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

So I went to the record shop and I said "What have you got by The Doors?" He said: "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!"

I've got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing - serves him right.

I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: "What does surrender mean?" I said: "I give up!"
 
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“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine (2011)

“I have downloaded this new app. Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if you’ve put on weight. Its called the Daily Mail.” Hayley Ellis (2016)

“When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.” Yianni (2015)

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” Matt Kirshen (2011)

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” Tom Ward (2015)

“I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car. No, I’m kidding… I don’t have a licence.” Felicity Ward (2012)

“I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.” Hayley Ellis (2012)

“One in four frogs is a leap frog.” Chris Turner (2016)

“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably ****.” Stephen K. Amos (2014)

“I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.”Alfie Moore (2013)

“My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs.” Rhys James (2016)

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” Phil Wang (2015)

“My husband’s penis is like a semi colon. I can’t remember what it’s for and I never use it anyway.” Mary Bourke (2012)

“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes (2016)

“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” Will Marsh (2012)

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” Sara Pascoe (2014)

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” Rob Beckett (2012)

“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” Alex Horne (2014)

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” Joe Lycett (2014)

“I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.” Jordan Brookes (2016)

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe (2014)

“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” Mark Watson (2014)

“I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson.” Eric Lampaert (2016)

“There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.” Nish Kumar (2014)

“How do people make new mates? Asking for a friend.” Steve Bugeja (2016)

“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” Ria Lina (2014)

“One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… ‘Ah well, you only live once.” Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014)

“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.” Nick Hall (2015)

“I’ve decided to stop masturbating, since then I’ve not really felt myself.” Tom Toal (2015)

“I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.” Jonny Lennard (2014)

“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.” Joe Bor (2014)

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” Alun Cochrane (2015)
 
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