Friends that you had to let go.

[dart4forte]

Most people lack communication skills because they spend too much time on their machines.

 

[multimopes]

I read somewhere, way back when, leafing through a psychology book about generalization camps. There was a section that stuck in my mind about "default personalities". There were 3 basic types of people. The lowest was the group who were referred to as "Ain't it Awful". As mentioned, you just can't make these people happy. These people would find fault with winning the lottery. The middle of the road group was regular (Normal) people who see things in a neutral way and could visit in either camp, but just temporarily, they were flexible and open to suggestion. The other extreme group was referred to as "Ain't it Great!" These people seem to be always happy, no matter what! This is most likely the smallest group. Some very religious people fall in here, even when really bad things happen, they shrug it off as "Gods will" or something like that. You could kick some of these people in the crotch & rob them and it doesn't seem to bother them, a least not for long. These folks could acquire a terminal disease and still not be bothered about it even though it meant the end of the world for them. I just like to lay low and observe a situation before jumping to conclusions. I guess in my case, I can be anything, but I sincerely hope I don't default to a total asshole!

 

[Kern Dog]

This week at the In laws, I saw more examples of people that tend to talk about themselves rather than ask about others.
I've had the impression that the people that do this are mostly self centered or narcissistic but my In-Laws are nice, generous people.
It made me wonder if I'd been too critical of some others recently.

 

[YY1]

Being too critical of others is... narcissistic...

??

 

[VANDAN]

The list of "forgotten friends" seems to get longer & longer.
Thank God for the "new found folks" that appear to be on the same page, aka "Common Sense", with Eyes that See, Ears that Hear, and Minds that can Reason It Out !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Kern Dog]

Being too critical of others is... narcissistic...

??

It can be hard to overlook when some blabbermouth rattles on for an hour without ever showing any interest in anything but what THEY are talking about. If they do ask about others or actually listens when offers speak , it sure makes a difference.
You are clearly off the mark about me.

 

[Richard Cranium]

Wow, I've lived with this for nearly five decades, in the form of my wife's younger brother. He is the absolute epitome of failure.

Submit's younger brother is also an issue. His life is riddled with one bad decision after another and because of that, he has nothing but bad luck. Whenever he has service work done to his car, he finds fault and it has to go back into the shop. He's the same way if he has work done to his house or buys something. Both of his wives were losers, the second being on welfare and SSDI. #2 eventually croaked and now he calls my wife nearly every day to talk about his daily minutia, grouse about everything, and try to shove his particular brand of religion down her throat. He's born again and is big into what I call the "Church of the What's Happening Now". Anything positive that happens in his life is the Lord's doing, but he never talks about who's to blame for the negatives in his life. Funny how that works. He has so much negativity in his life that I've come to refer to him not by his name, but as "dark cloud". Thank goodness he lives 1,200 miles away from us in Florida. Submit completely agrees.

 

[RoadRunner1970]

I had a friend that I grew up with, his dad got him a job with the state and he still screwed it up with drugs and other activities and got on the wrong path and ended up in jail, I even took the time to go visit him after he sent me letters asking me to. Even when I did go visit him, he was asking if I brought him anything referring to something to smoke.....I told him no I planned on leaving and not being arrested and staying. Anyway after a couple years he got out and after talking to him I reminded him of me visiting him and he acted as he did not remember. So I never bothered with him after that, just a shame that people are so stupid and don't appreciate anything people do for them. One thing I always remember about him is that he never had time for anyone, always in a hurry until his *** was in jail. I did tell him he was never really much of a friend......

 

[Hey-O]

It can be hard to overlook when some blabbermouth rattles on for an hour without ever showing any interest in anything but what THEY are talking about. If they do ask about others or actually listens when offers speak , it sure makes a difference.
You are clearly off the mark about me.

If you don't agree with someone, just put them on ignore, it's obviously their problem.

 

[68BabyBlue]

If you don't agree with someone, just put them on ignore, it's obviously their problem.

If I lived by this, I wouldn't have stayed married for 46 years. My wife and I have some fundamental differences, shaped by our life experiences. She is idealistic, believing in the inherent goodness of people, places the common good as a priority over individual liberties, and is guilt ridden after spending her early years in a wealthy family living in a poor community. I've already posted my circumstances before, so I'll summarize for any newcomers that compared to her, I had an extremely rough start, but got past it with hard work. Not surprisingly, she liked working in the public sector, and I spent a lifetime in business. Neither of us is right or wrong, per se, but we will approach most circumstances from vastly different perspectives

 

[Hey-O]

If I lived by this, I wouldn't have stayed married for 46 years. My wife and I have some fundamental differences, shaped by our life experiences. She is idealistic, believing in the inherent goodness of people, places the common good as a priority over individual liberties, and is guilt ridden after spending her early years in a wealthy family living in a poor community. I've already posted my circumstances before, so I'll summarize for any newcomers that compared to her, I had an extremely rough start, but got past it with hard work. Not surprisingly, she liked working in the public sector, and I spent a lifetime in business. Neither of us is right or wrong, per se, but we will approach most circumstances from vastly different perspectives

You're smart enough to see the things you share out number the differences, that's why it's worked for you two for 46 years. I'm living that dream myself. It's a job, more people should work at it a little bit more to find that sweet spot.

 

[68BabyBlue]

Submit's younger brother is also an issue. His life is riddled with one bad decision after another and because of that, he has nothing but bad luck. Whenever he has service work done to his car, he finds fault and it has to go back into the shop. He's the same way if he has work done to his house or buys something. Both of his wives were losers, the second being on welfare and SSDI. #2 eventually croaked and now he calls my wife nearly every day to talk about his daily minutia, grouse about everything, and try to shove his particular brand of religion down her throat. He's born again and is big into what I call the "Church of the What's Happening Now". Anything positive that happens in his life is the Lord's doing, but he never talks about who's to blame for the negatives in his life. Funny how that works. He has so much negativity in his life that I've come to refer to him not by his name, but as "dark cloud". Thank goodness he lives 1,200 miles away from us in Florida. Submit completely agrees.

The good thing about friends is you can leave when things go south. Not so with family. I'm sure, based on laws of chance, every family has an "idiot brother" lurking somewhere in the background. Gosh I hate the holidays, I spend more time with my nemesis than I do the rest of the year, and he only lives ten miles from us. At this point in his life, his two sisters are probably 99% of his human contact. We did Christmas twice this year, to include both sides of the family. Her brother showed his true colors both times.

What made this season better for me than many in prior years, was I went to bed on my normal early schedule, and he stayed up late and did his thing without me. Got my wife totally riled up, and she couldn't blame it on me. He made a huge stink about us not doing a 20 pound turkey (none of us can do the kitchen time required without physical consequences.) He then finished up telling her we are idiots for not downsizing out of our current home (which enables our daughter and family to stay with us on visits.)

I felt just a bit guilty watching her suffer, but it was a great Christmas present, after taking the rap for fiascos in years past.

 

[Sahara]

The good thing about friends is you can leave when things go south. Not so with family.

I disagree. I haven’t spoken with my younger brother in thirty years. When my older brother was dying of cancer I had to tell him to never contact me again. Those were difficult decisions but if someone is so toxic that they are actually going to destroy your life as well as theirs you have to save yourself and your family.
We haven’t heard from brother in law since he thought he got shortchanged on an inheritance. That was about ten years ago and we had nothing to do with the will or how it was administered. FWIW all three kids got identical cheques. This one was hard on my wife because previously they were close but we can’t fix what we had nothing to do with.

 

[hdwrench]

I disagree. I haven’t spoken with my younger brother in thirty years. When my older brother was dying of cancer I had to tell him to never contact me again. Those were difficult decisions but if someone is so toxic that they are actually going to destroy your life as well as theirs you have to save yourself and your family.
We haven’t heard from brother in law since he thought he got shortchanged on an inheritance. That was about ten years ago and we had nothing to do with the will or how it was administered. FWIW all three kids got identical cheques. This one was hard on my wife because previously they were close but we can’t fix what we had nothing to do with.

i’ve seen that happen so many times . we goin through an inheritance situation now , it’s getting wierd. it’s on my in laws side so i’m keeping distant as much as i can , but sooner or later i’m guessing it will surface near by ….it amazes me the times i’ve seen falling out concerning a death in a family!!!

 

[Richard Cranium]

i’ve seen that happen so many times . we goin through an inheritance situation now , it’s getting wierd. it’s on my in laws side so i’m keeping distant as much as i can , but sooner or later i’m guessing it will surface near by ….it amazes me the times i’ve seen falling out concerning a death in a family!!!

I feel your pain as submit and I had to handle 99% of everything when my mother died ten years ago. If dealing with her funeral, her affairs, cleaning out the house and getting it ready to be put on the market wasn’t daunting enough, to make matters worse, I had to deal with my money-grubbing older brother, who is nothing but a waste of skin and my self-centered younger sister who believes that everyone needs to be in therapy. There were days that I thought my head would explode after dealing with them.

 

[j-c-c-62]

We have all had friends that eventually got too much to take.

Over the last several years, I have noticed something about people that has affected how much I am willing to tolerate.
SOME people talk about themselves too damned much.
To me, the most interesting person is the one that engages others in conversations. The dialog is a shared one and isn't one sided.
The absolute worst is the guy that only talks about what HE is interested in.
I went here, I went there, I bought this, I sold that.....
I know some guys that are great though. They ask questions, talk about tech, family stuff, current events and don't make every subject revolve around themselves.
TWO separate terminal bachelors that I've known always talk about themselves and show almost no interest in what anyone else wants to say.
Why is that? I know it isn't limited to just bachelors but I wonder if a lifetime of NOT having a woman around to care for tends to render them completely selfish.
Every car show that I go to, I see guys that I haven't seen in several months if not a year. Some are considerate people. Many are not. I always try to remember their car and ask them about it. Some reciprocate. Some see my question as an excuse to give a 17 minute monolog about everything on their minds. These are the ones that are slowly being added to the list of people I don't care to speak with that much.
I've mentioned this issue to many people that I know and some have said they feel the same way.
Tim is a guy that I've known for more than 12 years. He used to live in town but moved away for a job. He calls and wants to talk about everything HE is interested in. When I try to elaborate on something from my own day, I get the obvious signs of disinterest, followed by Okay, I gotta get going.
The last time he did this, in closing, I said...."Well, it was great listening to everything that YOU wanted to talk about".
He was surprised....What do you mean by that??
The guy was clueless. He is a software engineer but not smart enough to take a hint on this.
I like having friends but if the ones I have only see me as someone to listen to THEM talk all the time, I'll quit taking their calls.
How about you?
Have you had buddies with bad habits you just couldn't take?

First, I suspect most are just too self-centered to notice. When playing 18 holes of golf it's often likely you get teamed up with strangers to make a foursome. To make light conversation and because I am sincerely curious, I will if they participate ask them where they are from, where they went to school, what they do/did for a living, etc, all light heartedly, for 18 holes. I get a chuckle when loading up my clubs and I realize other than my name, they never asked me a single question.

I used "I" above 8 times in my reply, too much?

I believe I have high tolerance in people, but less so much for what they sometimes say.
If my goal was perfection, I would not like myself very much, and I would have zero friends.

 

[Sahara]

I feel your pain as submit and I had to handle 99% of everything when my mother died ten years ago. If dealing with her funeral, her affairs, cleaning out the house and getting it ready to be put on the market wasn’t daunting enough, to make matters worse, I had to deal with my money-grubbing older brother, who is nothing but a waste of skin and my self-centered younger sister who believes that everyone needs to be in therapy. There were days that I thought my head would explode after dealing with them.

Yup. It’s heartbreaking how getting free money destroys so many relationships. In the case of my older brother he completely invented a scenario where as eldest son he was entitled to my parents house, free and clear. Didn’t matter to him that the will clearly stated to sell it and divide the money.
With brother in law he was convinced that there should have been more in his dads estate and that we must have stolen it, despite the fact that all three kids received identical cheques and a lawyer and accountant both signed off on it.
We were happy with whatever we got because it was essentially free money.

 

[Kern Dog]

I used "I" above 8 times in my reply, too much?

No, you used proper English and writing skills. Kudos for that.
I’ve had some criticize me for the same thing but they were just ignorant of proper usage.

 

[Photon440]

No. you used proper English and writing skills. Kudos for that.
I’ve had some criticize me for the same thing but they were just ignorant of proper usage.

Hey, shouldn't that 'y' be capitalized? Just wondering, it's been awhile since I was in school.

 

[GetX'd]

With eight siblings we also have some toxicity w/I the family. To be quite honest it’s mostly me that stopped tolerating behind the back talking from some to most of the others. I can’t stand that. I’ve always had the cojones to say what I’m going to say to your face - not behind your back. I have an older brother that depending who he’s with he’s bad mouthing others in the family - he’s been doing this **** to me since we were kids so I’ve always had little tolerance for him. The others are oblivious to his phony to your face/behind your back rhetoric. The other thing w/him is when you’re around him or at his home he needs to parade you around his place and tell you everything you didn’t want to know about his “stuff”. While at your home or elsewhere he doesn’t listen a wit to anything that doesn’t represent him to some high narcissistic degree. He so self absorbed he just doesn’t get it. And his late in life 2nd wife just goos and ahs over him in front of others to validate him that it’s so sickening I can barely stomach it. I could lay out a book of family dirty laundry like this but of course won’t, and don’t even to close friends. I just try to block it out …..

I have for years tried to completely separate myself from this family disfunction but continuously get caught in the vortex - and am usually the one to be seen w/the “problem”. I refuse to cow down to this dysfunction but as we all know family issues are so very difficult. Frankly I could do w/o most of them of course wishing no harm whatsoever - I just prefer they stay out of my life until it would seem they’re adding to it rather than detracting from it. So far it doesn’t seem as tho that would ever happen. Such is life……