Your one liners here......

[HD539]

My dad always told me when I hurt myself “That’ll feel better when it quits hurting”.

 

[Kern Dog]

I cut it three times and it is still too short.

 

[Charles Cook]

When you get my age sex is like trying to put a oyster in a parking meter

 

[Charles Cook]

When you get my age having sex is like shooting pool with a string

 

[Ironbuilt]

That will go over like a fart in a phone booth!!

 

[68Moparmaniac]

Some days your the bug some days your the windshield...

 

[alfaitalia]

It seems that the actor who played Captain Kirk and the blonde singer from Fleetwood Mac nearly got married until she realised that would make her Stevie Shatner Nicks.

 

[DeltaV]

Why do you care if there really is life on another planet? You don’t have a life on this one.

 

[alfaitalia]

Thanks!

I have just heard that the worlds oldest man has died.

This keeps happening, the current oldest man in the world must be shitting himself.

 

[DeltaV]

Every week your car gets a little better; every week your eye-sight gets a little worse.

 

[Under Pressure]

The older I get, the faster I was

 

[DeltaV]

Do you believe in life after death? Every time I leave work.

 

[Richard Cranium]

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, sags or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

 

[HawkRod]

Why does my paint cure itself when left alone but my engine doesn't???

 

[Moms68]

Rodney Dangerfield: My wife is such a bad cook, we pray after we eat.

Dangerfield “my wife is such a bad cook, the flies chipped in to get the hole in the screen door fixed”

 

[zyzzyx]

Dangerfield: My Wife is so dumb, it takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes!

 

[mpgmike]

(At a swimming pool) "I don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in my pool."

DNA: National Dyslexic's Association

 

[440RUSH]

Dangerfield “my wife is such a bad cook, the flies chipped in to get the hole in the screen door fixed”

Dangerfield " my wife wanted to have sex in the back seat of the car, but she wanted me to drive"

 

[Hilljack68]

It seems that time has dragged her into an alley and beaten the **** out of her!

 

[Budnicks]